Waiting to Breathe: Book One of the Waiting Duet Read online

  Nate must have felt me staring at him because he suddenly looked up. I quickly leaned over my notebook, pretending to write something Dr. Hooper had just said. That stupid smirk of his was back when he turned back to the lecture.

  Class ended and I took my time gathering my things. The idea of telling Nate anything about what was going on with Chris was terrifying. Honestly it rated up there with getting a root canal.

  “I know that look,” he said grabbing my bag from me.

  “I wish you would quit doing that, and what look?”

  “I’m just being a gentleman. Quit changing the subject. We are going to go get coffee.”

  I sighed.

  “Fine. Let’s go.”

  I stepped back so he could lead the way.

  “Go on, Olivia. You walk ahead of me.”

  “You first.”

  That damn smirk.

  “You don’t know which direction to go, do you?”

  I bit my lip, “Of course I do.”

  “Cupcake, it’s been three weeks. You should at least know the way to the best coffee shop on campus.”

  “I normally just go to the union,” I admitted.

  “Friends don’t let friends drink bad coffee. Come on.”

  We laughed as he led me in the opposite direction of the Union. His fingers brushed against mine as we walked and I didn’t pull away or run this time. I was still hesitant, but I wasn’t as scared as I was before.

  He waved at a few people as we passed them. It suddenly occurred to me that Nate was really freaking popular. Everyone on campus knew him and seemed to like him. Here I was walking next to this awesome guy and I was too scared to act on my feelings even though he seemed to be thinking the same thing that I was.

  As soon as we hit the door my mouth watered. I needed coffee like a junkie needed their next fix. Once we picked up our orders from the counter, we sat down in a small booth to talk.

  “Now,” Nate started, but I interrupted.

  “Just give me a second to appreciate this. You were right, this is so much better than the Union.”

  “Say it again,” he said laughing.

  “Say what again?”

  “That I was right.”

  “Jerk,” I said smiling. I absentmindedly bit my lip and his eyes flashed with interest. I hurried to continue. “I know you’re wondering about yesterday.”

  “A little, but only because you and Finn came back looking like you had been through the ringer. Don’t feel like you have to tell me anything.”

  I took a deep breath. “Here’s the thing...It’s hard for me to open up to new people. I wasn’t always like that, but after some things I went through...Last year was hard for me because I questioned everything I thought I knew about my life. When some of the people you’ve trusted most in your life change and do things you never thought they would, it makes you wonder if they were always like that or if you’re just a horrible judge of character.”

  Nate put his hand on mine, surprising me. His comforting eyes encouraged me to continue. “Yesterday Finn found out that my ex is thinking of transferring here. Finn didn’t want me to run into him while he was touring the SCU campus. Things ended,” I searched for the right word, “Badly between us.”

  “Is he transferring here because of you?”

  I nodded, but didn't elaborate. My eyes fell down onto my cup and I ran my finger around the edge of the cardboard rim. Nate ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath.

  “I don’t know what I was expecting, but that wasn’t it.”

  “Things are complicated in my life. That’s part of the reason I haven’t started dating again. Chris makes it impossible to try to move on with my life. I’m not even sure if I want to start dating or not, but I haven’t had the chance to decide for myself.”

  “I have to say I’m a little disappointed in that development, but how about a new friend?”

  My eyes met Nate’s and I felt a tug in my stomach.

  “I would like that,” I said softly.

  He leaned back and smirked. “Well cupcake, I’m going to be the best damn friend you’ve ever had. And when you are ready to start dating again, you just let me know.”

  He winked at me and I laughed. We finished our coffees and he walked me back to the dorms. Nate leaned down and kissed my cheek before we walked inside. It was soft, not forceful or a ploy to get in my pants.

  We passed my RA on our way up to my room and she told me I had a package. My breath caught in my throat. I knew what it was, but I wasn’t sure I was ready. Nate grabbed my hand and turned me back so I was facing him.

  “Olivia, are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” My voice shook.

  “Liv?”

  “I’ll see you later, Nate. Thanks for showing me where the good coffee is.”

  I wish that I turned away sooner so I didn’t have to see the disappointment on his face. He wanted me to open up, but this was one thing I hoped I would never have to tell Nate about. It was too painful for me to deal with, let alone try to explain it to someone else.

  ____

  I sat on my bed with the box in my lap. Who knows how long I sat there? My fingers itched to rip the package open, but my heart and mind were holding me back. Cora would be back from class soon and if I didn’t want her to know I needed to open it up or hide it soon. I absentmindedly rubbed the tattoo on my wrist, a reminder of how everything in life can change so quickly. A knock on the door started me, making me almost drop the box to the ground. Luckily my reflexes weren’t bad for once and I caught it just in time.

  “Coming,” I called out.

  My head whipped from side to side as I looked around for a place to stash the box, finally resorting to shoving it under my bed. When I opened up the door I was surprised to see Finn staring back at me.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Thanks, sis. Love you too.”

  I stepped back to let him inside. “Not what I meant and you know it, asshole.”

  “Nate found me at the house and told me that you might need me. He seemed worried, but he was also mumbling something about being friends with a girl was impossible. So he might just be insane.”

  I shot him a dirty look and walked over to my bed.

  “So what’s in the box that had you so freaked out?”

  “How did you know it was a box that had me to freaked out?”

  “He said that when your RA mentioned it, you tensed and started acting funny.”

  “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. What have you been up to lately?”

  He stared at me before threatening, “I’ll tear this room apart to find the damn thing and you know it.”

  “Damn it. It’s nothing, Finn. Just leave it alone.”

  He pushed past me to check my nightstand and I shoved him back.

  “I said leave it alone, Finn.”

  “Not until you tell me what has you so on edge.”

  I shoved at his chest again, but he wouldn’t budge.

  “It’s an Ellie box.” I whispered, trying not to cry.

  “Oh, Livie.”

  “Stop it.” I hissed.

  “It’s time we talked about everything. You’ve been holding everything in for too long.”

  “No, I’m fine. I’ll live. I just need more time to get used to everything.”

  “Olivia, did you forget that I feel everything you do? I know how bad you’ve been hurting and it’s killed me that you wouldn’t open up to me. You aren’t the only one that lost her you know?”

  “Shut the hell up. I’m warning you.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “I said I don’t want to fucking talk about it.”

  “Why not?” he demanded, exasperation filling his voice.

  He just didn’t get it though and unless I gave in he was going to keep pushing.

  “Because I’m about to lose my mind. She’s gone and I have no one to blame except myself. I couldn’t handle what I did and I ran. Do you really think th
at I’m ready to tell you all about how I’m feeling? I’m barely surviving, Finn.”

  “You did what you knew was the best thing for her.”

  “Did I? Because I’m not so sure I did.”

  “Olivia.”

  “No, Finn. When Christian signed the paperwork he told me that he hoped I died. How much worse can it get than that? It didn’t matter that he didn’t want to be with me anymore, he just wanted to make me feel worse about my decision.”

  Finn crossed the room and tugged me to his chest. I wrapped my arms around him and tried not to sob into his shirt. My anger was rapidly giving away to the fear and self-loathing I had been trying so hard to hide.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? We tell each other everything. I knew you were hurting, but damn.”

  “I don’t know. I was embarrassed and hurt. Christian cheating on me was bad enough. Things got really nasty at the end and I think I just wanted it all to go away.”

  “I knew losing Ellie was hard on you, but I could have been there for the rest. If you had told me I would have come with you.”

  “That’s probably part of why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to make it any worse than it already was. Everyone was expecting us to get married and all of a sudden I was leaving. Mom and Dad begged me to go through with it, even after they found out what he had done.”

  He looked at me in disbelief.

  “They knew everything, and they still wanted me to marry him. Christian found me in California. That’s why I went to Chicago. I think Mom and Dad helped him the first time, but after I turned him away they didn’t tell him where I was after that as far as I know. I left as soon as everything with Ellie was finalized and didn’t look back.”

  “Holy fuck.”

  “Yeah. See why I’m happy that Ellie never had to deal with any of this? I just wanted what was best for her.”

  “So why the freak out over the box?”

  “Let’s just drop it for today. It’s too hard.”

  “Well then let’s talk about Nate. The guy really likes you. I’ve never saw him act like this before.”

  “We’re not talking about Nate.”

  “Good luck, sis. I’ve watched you two together.”

  “Oh my gosh, you have to leave.”

  “If I get answers I will.”

  “Why are you pushing me today? I’m not ready to start dating and even if I was, Nate isn’t the guy I would be starting with. He looks like he would be too much to handle.”

  “We’ll see. For the record, I like the two of you together.” He grinned at me and I tried not to groan. Finn was trying to distract me and it was working. “Do you want me to stay?”

  I shook my head. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Love you, kid.”

  “Love you too, Finn.”

  He left after that. It made me happy, and it confused me that Nate went out of his way to send my twin to me. I wasn’t used to someone taking care of me anymore. Even Finn and Cora had given up trying to break down my barriers other than the little amount that I let them in.

  I stared in the direction of the box for a few minutes, trying to decide if I wanted to open it or not. Opting not to go down that rabbit hole today, I changed into running shoes. If nothing else, I would clear my head long enough to make it through the day.

  ____

  My hands wrapped around the steaming mug of coffee and I took in a deep breath. The smell of coffee always made me feel better. It was sad the depths I would go to for a good cup some days. After Nate had brought me, I spent over an hour trying to find the little shop the next day, something I would never actually admit to him.

  I almost dropped my cup in my lap when a set of hands dropped down on my shoulders.

  “I see you found your way to the good coffee, cupcake.”

  “Yeah and you just tried to scald me for my efforts.”

  Nate sat in the seat across from me, and took a large sip of his latte, masking the grin that he was fighting back.

  “I couldn’t stand it anymore; the Union was going to kill me if I had to drink one more awful cup of their nasty coffee.” I shuddered dramatically. “So, what are you doing here?”

  “Just a study break. I’m heading back from class and I decided to stop by before settling down with my books for the afternoon.”

  “Well, I’m glad you did.”

  Nate looked surprised, but recovered quickly.

  “That’s because I’m awesome.”

  I laughed. “And so humble too. I wanted to thank you for sending Finn the other day.”

  “I could see you needed someone. No big deal.”

  “You’re wrong. It was a big deal. I tend to shut down when I get upset, so sending Finn to get me out of my head was perfect. You were a great friend that day.”

  He cringed, “Don’t say that too loud or I’ll lose my street cred for being friends with a girl. If you haven’t heard, I’m quite the heartbreaker.”

  “You’re such a dork.”

  “But, you love me, cupcake.”

  “Don’t push your luck,” I said grinning. “Okay friend, I was going to walk along the beach. Want to come with me, or will your books get too lonely?”

  “You do realize you asked me to go with you, right?”

  I threw a sugar packet at him. “Okay, never mind. You don’t get to come. You’re uninvited.”

  “I kid! I would love to go to the beach with you, cupcake.”

  “Is now okay or do you need to go study first?”

  “Studying can wait. Let’s go before you change your mind about going with me.”

  We picked up our trash and walked towards the door. Before we got outside Finn came charging into the coffee shop.

  “Dude, where’s the fire?” I asked Finn.

  He shook his head. “Just desperate for caffeine. Where are you guys going?”

  “Out to the beach for a little bit, I thought it might help me clear my head. I invited this blockhead to come with me. Want to come? I can see if Cora wants to go too.”

  “No, you guys go ahead. Have fun,” he said looking between me and Nate. I shot him a look and grabbed Nate’s arm, tugging him out the door behind me.

  “Let’s go before I forget which way the ocean is.”

  ____

  The wind whipped my hair across my face and I lifted my hand to brush it away, but Nate’s fingers softly pushed it back before I could. Our eyes met and I felt the familiar tug in my stomach again. I looked out at the ocean quickly. He put his hand on my lower back to keep us walking.

  “You know why I love the beach so much?”

  “Why, cupcake?”

  “Because no matter where you stand, it makes you feel small. All my problems seem insignificant here.”

  “I spent a lot of time on the beach after my dad passed away.”

  I was quiet for a minute.

  “Tell me about him.”

  “He was...strong. Military. We moved around a lot as kids, but he retired when I was twelve. He didn’t want a desk job, but my mom begged him. She hated it every time he got deployed. It was like she was just waiting for him to get killed overseas. When I turned sixteen he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I think it’s part of the reason I want to be a doctor.”

  We walked a few more steps before he stopped and looked out at the water. I went to move away to give him a second, but he pulled me to his side. I ran my hand up his back and through his hair. For some reason, it seemed right touching him in this way. If he was surprised, he didn’t show it.

  “He was our family rock. When he passed away, it was like we were lost at sea. My brothers and I all looked up to him. He was the kind of man I want to be.”

  I wrapped my arms around him, and his fingers softly brushed the hair away from my face. My hands went to his chest, but I stepped back. He pulled back and took my hand in his.

  “I wish that I had that kind of respect for my parents. Last year they made me realize I was better off without them in
my life at all. It’s always been me and Finn against the world. They weren’t horrible parents, just selfish and busy, and really worried about their image. My dad is a Senator and my mom is a real estate broker; a regular power couple. They aren’t out to make the world a better place; they just want to line their pocketbooks and influence society.”

  We turned and started walking along the tide again. I dropped Nate’s hand and he let me. He walked next to me, occasionally picking up rocks or shells he liked.

  “So, Finn said you travelled a lot last year. With as much as he talked about missing you, I’m a little surprised he didn’t just go with you.”

  “He wanted to, but I told him that I wanted to be alone. He needed to start college, and I knew if he came along I wouldn’t do what I needed to do.”

  “And what was that, Olivia?”

  “Heal.” I stopped and turned back to face him. “I dated the same guy from the time I was fifteen until a little over a year and a half ago, but we all grew up together. Our families were really close and my parents didn’t take it well when I broke up with Christian. Chris hurt me worse than I thought anyone ever could. And I needed time to myself to try and figure out what to do with my life.”

  “Did you figure it out?” he asked taking my hand again. I let him lead as we starting to walk again.

  “Nope, not even close.”

  We walked in a comfortable silence. He understood that I needed to clear my head, but maybe he actually needed the same thing.

  When we finished Nate drove us back to campus and dropped me off at my dorm. He parked and walked me up to the front door. I had never been so comfortable with anyone, especially after the type of conversation we’d had. Nate was different.

  “Thanks for inviting me to go with you, cupcake.”

  “I’m glad you decided to join me.”

  His fingers brushed my cheek one last time, and I watched from the door as he got back into his truck and left. My resolve to keep Nathaniel Ford at arm’s length was crumbling quickly and I didn’t know what to do about it.